In this novel, Jack and Caroline are missionaries serving in a very remote location with intermittent connectivity to the internet. They love each other, but argue constantly. They will not be coming back to the States until they complete their current tour, and have asked Rick and Georgeann for help. Since the four of them cannot meet face to face, and the use of video conferencing is impossible, Rick and Georgeann have agreed to attempt the very unusual task of helping them by email. The result is an exchange of emails about God’s purpose for healing and growth through their marriage, and how Jack’s and Caroline’s wounds and defenses contribute to their arguments. Jack and Caroline learn strategies and tools for building a mutually satisfying marriage. They also receive a Conflict Checklist for identifying factors that are contributing to their arguments.
Pre-Fall Marriage
God made his original will for Adam and Eve’s relationship clear when He said,
26 …“Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” 27 So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:26-27)
The “mankind” to which God referred was Adam and Eve, and they together were given rule “over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” Adam’s rule over Eve came only after the Fall when Satan injected his will into the Garden, causing God to speak to them in Genesis 3:16. ‘”To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”’
The beauty, love, and power that was built into Adam and Eve as the image of the “us” who were present with God at creation became distorted into a struggle for power in the presence of pain. What happened to God’s original will for marriage?
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus offered what has become known as the Lord’s Prayer.
9 “This, then, is how you should pray:
“‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come, your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.’ (Matthew 6:9-13)
When Jesus said in verse 10, “your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven,” we think He meant this literally. But, that raises the question, “What is God’s heavenly will for an earthly marriage?”
We believe that God’s heavenly will for an earthly marriage is to build it on a Pre-Fall foundation where spouses are once again coequal in their created image of God. This stands in direct contrast to those who advocate building a marriage on the fallen rubble of first century Roman culture where a wife was the property of her husband.
A problem arises, however, in that there isn’t a lot recorded in Scripture about the rules and behaviors that Adam and Eve were to live by in their Pre-Fall marriage. And, why would there be? They knew all they needed to know, and what they knew was all good. They were without sin because of their lack of knowledge about good and evil. They had no selfish desires, unmet needs, fears, wounds, defenses, or assumptions. Today, such is not the case for Christians and their marriages.
Even though people become a new creation when they accept Jesus as their Savior, God retains their old brain. This brain has a mind that includes finely tuned time-tested rules, behaviors, and instincts for survival. These instincts are near-instantaneous in their reaction time, and are driven by past and present wounds, defenses, and assumptions. A transformation of this mind and these instincts is needed.
God wants our desires purified, needs met, fears confronted, wounds healed, defenses removed, and assumptions challenged. He wants our instincts reexamined, our rules rewritten, and our behaviors redirected so we can walk in wisdom, love, self-discipline, and power. (2 Timothy 1:7). In fact, God’s will is the same for all of us in that He wants to conform each of us into our own unique image of Jesus. (Romans 8:29)
One of the tools God uses to bring about this conformation is a marriage relationship. To that end, we believe a primary purpose of marriage is healing and growth, and that one spouse’s desires and needs can be signals for areas in which God wants the other to grow. It is by this growth that those desires and needs can be met. This begins with both people offering themselves to God as a living sacrifice.
12 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:1,2)
Many people go to God’s altar to pray for what is on their mind, and when finished, leave and work hard at bringing about what they desire. In essence, they ask God to bless their efforts the way rain blesses a farmer’s efforts. This is not what Romans 12:1-2 is urging.
God wants us to climb up onto His altar and offer ourselves as a living sacrifice. This is the kind of worship that pleases Him. It allows Him to address the ways we have been conformed to this world, and it allows Him to transform us by renewing our mind.
God does not want us working for Him, rather, He wants to work through us. This does not take away our freedom and responsibility, rather, it frees us to respond to God as our loving Father without feeling like we have a harsh taskmaster ruling over us. When God works through us as we rest in Him, we arise with love, strength, and power. When our mind is transformed, we are confident in what he wants us to do, and are not pulled in countless directions.
So where is the specific guidance found in the Bible for spouses who want to build a Pre-Fall marriage? It is the same guidance that Scripture offers on how we as Christians should interact with one another and those around us.
We believe God wants husbands to treat their wives at least as well and even better than they treat anyone else, and He wants wives to do the same with their husbands. Therefore, Scriptures that say we should love our enemies (Luke 6:27) could be appended with, “… and love your spouse with the same love and even more than what I am commanding you to have for your enemies.” Scriptures that say we should speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), could be appended with, “… and speak the truth to your spouse with the same love and even more than you should have for a fellow believer.” This means that specific guidance for a Pre-Fall marriage is found throughout Scripture.
An invitation
We welcome you to join us, Jack, and Caroline, as they embark on their journey by email to a mutually satisfying Pre-Fall marriage. If you do, there are at least six requirements for success: desire, opportunity, time, energy, courage, and insight.
Both you and your spouse must grow in your desire for a mutually satisfying marriage and be willing to offer each other the opportunity for connection. If one or both of you are closed off mentally and/or emotionally to the other, your journey is in peril. Also, you must both set aside time for this journey, and allow the Holy Spirit to work in and through you as He provides the energy.
In addition, both of you need to grow in your courage to examine your past relationships and the impact that those relationships have had on you and your current relationships. You must also grow in your courage to examine your mental and emotional struggles as individuals, and as a couple.
And finally, you will need insight into your automatic survival instincts designed to protect your mental and emotional wounds. We can provide some insight with this novel, and you must either bring or be willing to grow in the other requirements.
Companion workbook of main points and probing questions
We have also written a companion workbook to this novel titled, Pre-Fall Marriage God’s Original Will – A Workbook of Main Points and Probing Questions. The main points and probing questions are organized according to the emails in this novel. The questions are also divided into Me Questions to be answered individually, and We Questions to be answered as a couple.
If you and your spouse use the workbook, success will not be achieved merely by reading through the main points and questions. It is by reading, thinking, praying, working through the questions, discussing, and putting your insights into practice, that the two of you will experience the often painful process of healing and growth, along with the joyful process of building and experiencing your own mutually satisfying marriage.
Try never to lose sight of the fact that even if God’s path for your journey is painful, the outcome of healing and growth, and of being conformed to your unique image of Jesus is worth it.
In Him,
Rick and Georgeann