PREFACE 11
DEDICATION 13
OVERVIEW 15
Pre-Fall Marriage 15
An invitation 18
Companion workbook of main points and probing questions 19
Hello 21
Re: Hello; Couples, Spinning Plates, and Happiness 25
Couples do the work 26
A couple or not a couple 26
God’s will for each of us and a purpose for marriage 28
A spouse’s desire is often a need for the relationship 28
Courageously reexamine everything 29
Insight, tools, and being a living sacrifice 29
Spinning plates 31
Making someone happy 31
Expressing emotions 31
Long-term hope 33
Arguing, Needs, Love, and Respect 35
Your Observing Ego and Shame 37
Observing ego 37
A condemning observing ego 39
Narcissists 39
Trying to confess inappropriate shame 40
Renewing your mind 41
Healthy narcissism 41
A healthy observing ego 42
Hormones 43
Re: Your Observing Ego and Shame 45
Re: Re: Your Observing Ego and Shame 47
There is no “too late” 47
Apologizing to others 47
Sufficient grace from God 48
Past issues can continue to be expressed 48
Re: Arguing, Needs, Love, and Respect 49
People have reasons for their thoughts and actions 49
Then truth and now truth 49
Both husbands and wives need love and respect 50
Desirable traits of a husband or wife 50
Do not ignore your needs 52
Healthy relationships are give and receive 54
Jesus often calls others to meet our needs 55
Self-love 56
Boundaries and Needs 59
Re: Boundaries and Needs 61
Speaking the truth in love 61
Us time 62
Family strengths and weaknesses 63
Grow in one another’s strengths 64
Opposites attract 65
Re: Opposites Attract 67
Attraction of opposites is for healing and growth 67
A more complete expression of God’s character 68
Competing strengths and justified weaknesses 69
Traits that attracted can become irritating 69
Re: Re: Opposites Attract 71
Fix or Facilitate 73
Answer Mode 73
Be genuinely curious 73
Your truth in love 77
Re: Fix or Facilitate 79
Re: Arguing, Needs, Love, and Respect 81
Pre-Fall Marriage 83
Spending time or investing in others 83
First century Roman culture model of marriage 84
Proverbs 31 model of marriage 84
Pre-Fall model of marriage 86
Pre-Fall Marriage and Opposites Attract 91
Good News 95
Re: Good News 97
Helping other couples 97
Imago, Romance, Power Struggle, and a Conscious Marriage 101
Decision-making 101
What goes around comes around 101
Three phases of a marriage relationship 102
Romance phase 102
Imago 102
Opposites attract 103
Power struggle 104
Conscious marriage 105
Areas of Responsibility and Physical Intimacy 109
Areas of responsibility 109
Only, never, and always 109
Physical intimacy 110
Acceptance and personal value 111
First Met, Connection, Responsibilities, and Intimacy 113
Decision-making 113
Imago 114
Romance phase 114
Acceptance and competence 114
Inner-child 116
Connection and girlfriends 116
Areas of responsibility 116
Only, never, and always 117
Physical intimacy 117
Acceptance and personal value 117
Experiencing a godly marriage 117
Re: First Met, Connection, Responsibilities, and Intimacy 119
Discernment 119
Grace and mercy 119
Imago 120
Defenses and survival strategies 120
Parents pass on what they have 121
Power struggle and conscious marriage 121
Perfectionism 122
Self-criticism and identity 123
Inner-Child, Wounds, and Defenses 125
Intent 125
Inner-child 125
Emotional triggers 125
Wounds and defenses 126
Best friends 127
Re: Re: First Met, Connection, Responsibilities, and Intimacy 129
Discernment 129
Wounds and defenses 129
Perfectionism 130
Intent 131
Stored emotions 131
Talking through an argument 131
Best friend 133
Specifist and an irrational perfectionist 133
Discernment, Active Listening, and Breaking Old Patterns 135
Discernment 135
Breaking the cycle of triggers and defenses 135
Speaking-listening-mirroring-clarifying 136
Wrestling and renewing your mind 137
Awareness and stopping the cycle 138
Betrayal 141
Re: Betrayal 143
Betrayal and sincerity 143
Manipulation or motivation 143
Impossible-to-perform verses 144
Going through the motions 146
Unrecognized success 147
Garden variety mutual love 148
We cannot surprise God 149
No Mentors to Follow 151
Re: No Mentors to Follow 153
Stay on God’s altar 153
Beth and Bob 153
Connecting 156
Role models are all around us 158
Our Spouse as a Role Model and Changing Patterns 159
Self-Judgment and the Strong Emotions of Others 163
Judging ourselves and others 163
Treating emotional pain with intellectual explanations 164
The Bible’s Hidden Book of Marriage 167
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ 167
Specific guidance for a Pre-Fall Marriage 169
Abusive relationships 173
Re: The Bible’s Hidden Book of Marriage 175
Specific guidance for a Pre-Fall marriage 175
Transitioning of church culture 175
Hidden verses 176
Re: Re: The Bible’s Hidden Book of Marriage 179
Transitioning/maturing 179
Each of us is a separate version 179
Blind spots 180
Church and culture 180
Marriage Sermon on Ephesians 5:21-33 by Josh Miller 183
Josh’s Sermon 184
Re: Marriage Sermon on Ephesians 5:21-33 by Josh Miller; Pursuing One Another 199
Re: Re: Marriage Sermon on Ephesians 5:21-33 by Josh Miller; Pursuing One Another 201
Pursuing 201
Visibility 202
Deserving to be in the Body of Christ 202
Ambivalence 203
Ambivalence and divorce 204
Anger 206
Walking towards a fire 206
Anger and Fire 207
Fight, Flight, Freeze, Submit, or Stand 209
Patterned reactions 209
Fight, flight, freeze, submit, or stand 210
Practical tips for responding to someone’s anger 212
I Married My Sister! 213
Spinning Plates 215
Unfinished Business 217
Re: Unfinished Business 219
Forgiveness is an exchange 219
Carrying someone else’s shame 220
An Odd Question 223
Re: An Odd Question 225
Conflict Checklist 231
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS 235
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